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Thanks to all of you who responded to my last post.

It's an odd feeling to go through a regular day at work, while having the memory of fifteen years ago follow me around.

When I lost my father, it was like the world had stopped. It did stop, for him, but it also stopped briefly for my family. And when something like this happens, you look around you and wonder how the rest of the world can go on. Sometimes you feel like screaming at strangers, because you can't understand how they can just go on with their lives as if nothing had happened. But of course, for most of the world, nothing important did happen. It's a personal grief, and has to be borne by yourself.

I'm reminded, oddly enough, of the Star Trek: Deep Space Nine pilot, "Emissary." The wormhole aliens keep bringing Sisko back to witness the death of his wife, and when he asks them to stop, they tell him that they're not the ones doing it; he is. "You exist here," they tell him. And so there's a part of me that still exists back in November 2, 1990, a world in which I'm still a senior in college, dealing with the shock of this sudden loss.


When the mysterious "they" talk about grief they always say that it never goes away, you just learn to manage.

In my personal experience, that is very true. I read your post and I can almost "hear" it. You still feel it, but you've learned to manage.

The thing is we always seem to feel that we have to move on and get over it. Why? You loved your dad and that's obvious, you should grieve and hurt and miss him. That's normal. It's OK. As long as you aren't prisoner to your grief.

I think your feelings for your dad and his loss as well as how you've dealt with it and become the man you are honor him greatly. You should feel good about yourself. You're a good son.

My dad's still here, but when the day comes (and I still hope it's far away) that I can do as well as you have.

I remember when your dad passed away. I remember being impressed and deeply moved by the way Josh talked about him -- with such love and admiration. I can understand why you've been so strongly affected by his loss. I'm sorry.
Wow. Very heavy thought. I think all of us to that to some extent; I think we all carry around those moments we never really leave.

You see it in Buffy, too, when Willow says to Oz, "A part of me is always going to be waiting for you." Some pain you don't leave behind, even when you move on.

It's an odd feeling to go through a regular day at work, while having the memory of fifteen years ago follow me around.

Hint: I think there's a story lurking in there somewhere.

One that might make a fine tribute, if you know what I mean. ;)
When my dad passed away on March 4, 2005, eight months ago today, things feel similar for me as you described about yourself and your family.

Condolences on your loss.
thank you.

December 2016

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